"Until the worst actually happened, I wouldn't listen to anybody telling me otherwise. I could always find an excuse."

 -TVD S05E02

I think it wasn't normal for me. The worst had happened. I kept finding excuses even if I didn't want to. Even if I only forced myself to find those excuses.

Maybe I'm just too good a person that I keep on giving people the benefit of the doubt even if they didn't deserve it.

I don't exactly know what that meant but I do know I didn't want any of those anymore. Not anymore. Since the worst happened.

Last post for this blog. I have no more use for this.

HERE ME SING! And I'd be ready for any humiliations because I'm hardcore \m/

Here's the link. Hihi

If You Ever Change Your Mind (Cover)

Just learned this song few minutes before I decided to record myself.  HAHA!

I will never again tell a love story for mine died and I will soon be right behind it.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

To have loved a grenade like me made me realize how stupid it is to try to save others from my own impending fragmentation.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Love, 

You have sunk me; 

the irreparably broken.

You don't know how happy I was seeing you in your Gala and how proud I am of you to finally reach the the finish line of your college life. I wanted to hug you tight today like I never hugged you before, like it'll be the last time I would get to hug you. But you ignored me. Like I wasn't even there  so I didn't hug you like I wanted to. Didn't even say anything except "Wala sapakanay?" and yeah. It sucked for me to act as if it was okay. To tell you the truth, it wasn't even close to the idea of okay.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Love is you.

When I suddenly stare into nothing, she licks me so I can come back to reality.

When I feel like crying, hugging her is more than enough to stop the tears from falling. 

When I don't want to wake up in the morning, she finds her way to me and keep on licking and pulling my hair with her teeth until I finally get out of bed.

When I feel so down, just seeing her running around or just sleeping in her little corner is enough to make me feel okay. 

This baby girl has filled me with love and happiness that I need in the mess that I am right now.

I love you, cutiieeee. Please slow down with growing up. <3

This little furball brought sunshine to my oh-so-gloomy and messed up life. Chever.

BABY GIRL IS  ♥

Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances.

Forehead Kisses

Thankyou for the forehead kisses that soothe me last night when I couldn't sleep because my mind was yet again so disturbed & full of darkness.

New Baby Girl :3

We has a new baby girl. Yaaaaay! Cutie has got no name yet. But I wanna call her mine :3

Effing ewan this is.

Cutest, most adorable joker ever, bestfriend, ...

Extra Time

Ooooh. I did get to spend more time on the inernets today! Thanks to my oh-so-lazy little brother and his load of school stuff that I am forced to finish. Pa-segue2 lg ang things I'm not allowed to do just because I want to. Mehehe

PS I already had my dose of my anti-chuchu meds earlier tonight and now I feel so groggy. I think I'll be falling fast asleep soon.

That's all for now.

Anna. xx

I don’t want to ever wander in that darkness because I’m afraid it would totally consume me

and I wouldn’t find a way out.

I said that's fine but you're the only one who knows that I lied.

'SHE' Could Be Your Song For Me

 Oh, she knows me so well 
 Oh, she knows me like I know myself 

I made all my plans

And she has made hers
She kept me in mind
But I wasn’t sure
I searched every room
For a way to escape

But every time
I tried to leave

She keeps holding on to me

For dear life

And blocking my way

Tears101

It's still morning and I can't help crying over some things that I can't stop thinking about. I am too bothered with just about everything. Life itself is leaving me here way past my should-be-present-life. I have this feeling that people keep on leaving me, no matter how much I kept holding on to ropes that were cut and loosely tied back together again. Most of the time, I want to let go of that rope because I feel like I am just not worth it, that I am such a heavy baggage ang this baggage should be left here alone. I feel like I am that something that's been holding back people from their true happiness because I think that I am not that; I was never that. I just don't want ot be that someone who holds people back from what they truly deserve, and I know, they don't deserve someone as messed and fucked up as me because they deserve the best. 

@xThereseAngela

She rarely says those three words to anyone, perhaps almost everyone, though she feels it.

She's scared to feel human and take risks with love.

She's the cutest, the meanest baby girl of Ang Grupo.

She's small but hardcore.

She's these little things and way many awesome things more.

She's THERESE ANGELA BENITE, SN; soon to be RN; probably future MD :>

AND...

 I am very honored to be one of her real life diaries. <3

You just don't deserve someone as messed up as me because you deserve the best.

SPONTANEITY BEES

My deepest, darkest thoughts that no one has never ever heard of.

I can not speak these for fear that I won’t get these all out of my messed up head. This is where I pour my heart out when I can’t find someone who would just listen, JUST LISTEN, for what I have to say and not accuse, judge nor tell me what to do. Things like these are not for me to ask help from anyone but God for He alone knows the real reason behind all these. But these are things that I just need to get out of my head in some way. And besides doodling, this is my way of escaping all these darkness that’s clouding up my mind. Words rarely come out right most of the time cause understanding what really is in there is not an easy task. I am a lost puppy, gone away from my home, my safe haven. 

Perfect words never really were never my cup of tea, but sometimes the words that I think were not the right ones are actually what speaks my heart.

The Sonnet that Speaks My Heart

In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,

For they in thee a thousand errors note; 

But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,

Who in despite of view is pleased to dote; 

Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,

Nor tender feeling, to base touches prone, 

Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited 

To any sensual feast with thee alone: 

But my five wits nor my five senses can 

Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,

Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man, 

Thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be: 

Only my plague thus far I count my gain, 

That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

-Sonnet 141, William Shakespeare

Darkness

I didn't sleep well last night. I almost didn't sleep at all. I spent the whole night turning  from side to side, forcing myself to fall asleep. The whole night there was something telling me I want to kill myself. But my conscience was just far too strong to give in to that thought. I spent darkness battling with suicidal thoughts.

All I want right now is to sleep forever so I won't drown myself with any thoughts that keep popping in my head. I just want my brain to stop working and let me feel peace.

Little Things

                     "... I'm in love with you

                       And all these little things"

Someone will sing this song for me and mean it (and I will cry like I've never cried before).

Someday. Somehow.

Phones and Convos

Browsed through my old posts on Tumblr and saw an old convo over the phone between us.

Right now, I want to cry because I know days like are long gone. But I just can't seem to do so and I don't know why. I am not even so sure of what I feel besides sadness.

To do everything you can to understand someone in every single way possible is just too tiresome & kinda painful when you can't even understand your self and it kinda kills you little by little deep inside.

Skinny Love

The song that speaks my heart and soul.

I tell my love to wreck it all

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different "kind"

I'll be holding all the tickets

And you'll be owning all the fines

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

"Our relationship couldn’t continue to balance, as it did, on the point of a knife. We would fall off one edge or the other, depending entirely on his decision, or his instincts. My decision was made, made before I’d ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility."

*Quoted from Bella Swan, Stephenie Meyer's Twilight.

I can't really point out how I can relate to this but I am sure that this is true for me and it is what has been happening. I can't say more because I don't know/understand a single thing about everything right now, including my own self and feelings.

Yes. I am a wreck.

Narcotizing Bubble

There are times where I get to forget what existed outside my own bubble. Times that my brain just stops working and I didn't have to (over)think things which I can't help doing most of the time. Times when I don't feel anything at all. It's like sleeping with my eyes open but seeing nothing and without having to dream about anything at all.

How I wish those times become hours, days, months; not just for a few minutes every now and then. Everything in my life right now is just a conflicting mess that my feelings are slowly turning into emptiness.

Maybe, just maybe, to feel nothing, not anything, is all that I both need and want. Maybe staying within that bubble of nothingness is what will keep me safe, both from the eyes of society and my own scary oftenly-thinking-of-sleeping-forever-aka-kinda-but-not-that-suicidal self.

Will he stay with someone who's irrevocably broken in every way possible? Or will he give up because the situation is nearly hopeless?

I ask myself these every single day and I can't do anything except hope and pray he'll stay. </3

Hopeful yet DEMORALIZED

JANUARY

There's been so many things to blog about but no words are coming out.

HOUSE HOPPING DAY

**QUICK POST!**

Earlier today, I went to Divine's place right after class. I went home at around 6:30pm and now, I'm here crashing at Timay's. Thanks to Buddy who just wanted to stay overnight somewhere.

At least, Buddy brought cupcakes, pasta, and mashed potato from Tien's birthday. :)

PITCH PERFECTion

It's been days since I first watched Pitch Perfect but I'm still hung over with the movie and its soundtrack, the soundtrack mostly.

I wish I had a voice like Anna Kendrick's. I just adore her. ♥

Rebel Wilson is just... \m/. Mermaid dance. Horizontal Jogging. I mean... Dang! \m/

Everyone else, ME: JELLY. I love their voices.

Here's Anna Kendrick doing her cups thing. I can't find a clip that's actually form the movie, though.

 I'm gonna learn this, soon.

Mastering Procrastination

I. AM. RUNNING. LATE. FOR. CLASS. -___-

Meh. What's new with that? Haha!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Crappy Printer and Whatnots

And once again, I am the victim of his wrath for some reason that I am not actually involved with.

THANKYOU GD SA LILINTIAN NGA PRINTER NGA NA! THANKYOU, PRINTER! THANKYOU! 

;'(

The Best of Bituon

These honestly made my day! 

Red and Michael playing BASKETBALL. \m/

I am Titanium!

WARNING: Content may cause excessive bleeding of the ears.

Titanium by bunnybeb on SoundCloud

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Page 8 of 365

If a couple hit the pause button, hit play on a completely different day, does today still count as our monthsary? Haha

Anyhuu, we don't celebrate monthsaries. Really.

Regardless of zis confusion, HAPPY 8th of the Month, Love :*

PS I think he's waiting for some timed text message greeting him for today. I've been sending him those for the past months, but onlyup to December.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Lucky

I was just on the phone with Buddy after a day of no texts and all, which was fine for me.

I asked him to sing for me. And...

Buddy: "Ano na kanta?"
Banban: "Bisan ano lg. Ang una masulod sa ulo mo."

I was expecting he'd just sing some nursery rhyme like he always does when...

Buddy: "Lucky I'm in love with my best friend..."

And I was all like, "LIWAT! LIWAT!" :D

I already know he can't memorize the song but still! That line just made me smile.

Goodnight <3

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Year End Bullets (Part 2)

Day 4: Strawberry SUNDAY (December 30, 2012)

• Straw's birthday! :) 
• Went home at around 8am from Coco's. Slept for just about an hour.
• Went to Dungon for Lunch. Is still sleep deprived by this time. 
• I didn't wear shorts today, btw. I didn't want more eyes on me.
• Waited for Jay and Isay before I went inside their house. I was really scared of all their titas. 
• Lunch was great. But I didn't eat much because I was too anxious of the eyes that I know were on me. 
• Went to ShareTea. Beb's treat. Yaaaay! I had Passionfruit sumthing. I forgot exactly. Buddy had the same. Sheesh.
• Went home to change my pants. Then back to SV to partyyyyyy!
• The night was just epic!
• Buddy got my nose "stapled" by his teeth. Straw got drunk. It wasjust fuuuuun! 

SNAPSHOTS THROUGHOUT THE DAY:

 

At Martirez Residence

----------------------------------------------------------------------

   

The Birthday Girl!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

At Sharetea

----------------------------------------------------------------------

And I just can't get enough of these...

I just hafta post more. I'm not sorry, though :)

   

   

AND MY FAVORITE PHOTO OF THE NIGHT IS...

*This night has got to be one of the best nights ever. :)

• We decided to head home at around 3 but went to Ted's first. I saw Nong Dipsy and Nong Russ there.
• I had to ride a jeepney home cause they borrowed money from me. HAHA!
• Got to ride on one that was full of male passengers. texted Buddy to text me so I won't get scared but my phone died.
• I was home when I got open my phone again and read panicky texts from Buddy. I called him up telling me I was fine. He said he was so worried ( "Gnpalamalhas ko bala!"). We said our goodnights (or should I say, goodmornings) and our three word phrases.

And that was just about it. FAREWELL 2012! You sucked all throughout but ended well. 

The Good Ol' Days (circa 2011)

Before Crave Burger Jalandoni died. Before all the chaos we've gone through.

 Even waaaaaaay before we hit that pause button just to hit play again. 

There was this time.

 We used to go out for lunch once or twice week just to spend time with each other, even if its just for an hour.

"Eventually, like any normal healthy couple, we entered Stage 4: Comfortable."

D.U. Dearest youu

T'was nice to hear I'm not alone in this. Not everyone likes you. I mean, really? You smile at me like you're one innocent girl who did nothing wrong. BITCH PLEASE. You are no good at all. You bully your friend. You're bitter for not winning the slot you wanted. You helped someone "cheat" and act as if there was nothing wrong with that. You tend to give off that attitude on my friend thinking you can because you're bigger, and maybe even forgetting that you should be respecting her? She's older than you, for goodness sake!

Girl, you don't know who you messed up with. Watch your words and actions. You're just bigger, heavier, but I'd never hesitate fighting you when I have the reason to.

Ikaw pa mauna dula sa mapa. Ako pa mangita paagi para matabo na. :)

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Chest pains, Vertigo and Sugar Coated Realities

On this fine day, I wake up only to lay back down again.

I hafta check my vital signs now. And btw, I NEED A NURSE! Any volunteers??

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

INSOMNIA

This is just bad. School's starting again in a few hours and I'm still up and sleep deprived. Not really wide awake, I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FALL ASLEEP!
Trust me. Falling in love's become much easier these days, for me, anyway.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Trust Issues

I just can't let my guard down with you no matter what.

This is just S-A-D, sad.
But... Can you blame me for being like this? Will you?

*le sigh

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Cheating and Temptations

For all those times I was tempted to  cheat, I thank my brain for letting me remember the kind of pain I felt when I was the one cheated on.

What's left of my sanity makes me not want others to feel the pain that is the consequence for that kind of idiocracy many people, including myself, went through at some point in this lifetime.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Goodnight 2013

Someone just called to tell me three things:

1. I should sleep already. 
2. "Goodnight"
3. "Iloveyou"

Plus! I got a bonus virtual kiss. ♥

Year End Bullets (Part 1)

2012 has been quite a very topsy turvy year for me. But hey, I got through it alive and still kicking!

So how did I end my year? I was out for four straight nights. FOUR NIGHTS, which meant sleep deprivation for myself.

Here's a bulleted recap of my year-enders. Bullets are time savers! :)

Day 1: THURSDAY (December 27, 2012)

• Went to Starbucks to meet Jarrel, my gay-est friend whom I love so much even though he bullies me all the time. 
• Made Tetet, aka Babygirl, come to Starbucks to meet with us (her crush was there). Nina was with her too. 
• Met Tinay, Camille and Jen at Coffeebreak Plazuela. Jen's little sister was there too. 
• Boyfriend "fetched" me there. He was just going to gimme back my USB supposedly but I went with him anyway. 
• Went back to starbucks, this time, with Buddy. He bought me Toffee Nut Frappe♥ Made me luff Buddy more.
• We sat with Sandy and Benjo. The convo was just bittersweet. 
• Buddy and I went to meet Mom, Pops and Fr. Peter at Afrique's in Smallville. We had babybackribs. Nomnom♥
• Our last stop for the night was at RockBox. Boyfriend and I played rockband with Mom until we kicked her out of teh game cause she just tooo lousy! HAHA! Nice try, though, Ma. :)

Me and Buddy playing rockband @RockBox

Day 2: Spontaneous FRIDAY (December 28, 2012)

• Watched One More Try at SM City with Buddy, Tetet, Coco and Richelle. This was Tetet's choice. (Buddy bought for both of us! Boo-yaaah!)
• After the movie, Buddy, Tet and me went to Fuel.ph to meet Timay and O. 
• Went on an impulsive visit to Tetet's house. We were supposed to ask permission for her to go out the next night. Buddy ended up telling Tita that we were planning a surprise for Tetet the next day, since it was going to be her birthday!
• FREE DINNER! Thankyou Benite Family! :)
• The epic moment when Timay got to jinx Buddy! T'was a fun few seconds until O killed our happiness :(
• Tita drove us to UPV. We got on a jeepney there then went to SV.
• Made plans for the next day at Crave Burger! We were kinda on a doble date that night cause we were in pairs. HAHA! (Timay-O and Buddy-Banban)
• O kept bugging us about our story. Cheka. The whole convo that night was just a blur. It went from discussing the surprise for Tetet to mine and Buddy's story to future business plans to Grupo moments, etc.
• We finally went home around 12 midnight. 

Day 3: The Saturday Karaoke Surprise aka Tetet's 20th (December 29, 2012)

• Tetet had no idea of our plans. HAHA! She kept on bugging me what was the plan. All we told her was we were meeting up at SM City. 
• We were supposed to meet up at 6pm but as always, most of us were late. HAHA! 
• While we bought cupcakes and candles, we had to ignore Tetet's texts for a while. She kept on telling me, "ANDAMAN NYU LG!" because no one was telling her where we really were. 
• We had to go buy a hankie first cause no one had one that we could use as a blankie.

@ SM City while waiting for others.

(L-R: Me, Buddy, Tetet, Timay, Divine and O)

(c) Coco Villareal ♥

• On with the plan! We had to divide ourselves cause we can'r all fit into Tetet's car. 
• As Tetet sat on her driver's seat, I went behind and got her blindfolded, that meant Buddy got to drive Tetet's car.
• We drove around first before going straight to SV. We went to Plazuela, then to the road that went out to the rotunda at Ateneo then finally to Boardwalk and SV. 
• We stopped at Crave Burger because the others were already there. They were all set, candles lit, ready to sing Tetet a happy birthday. But Bebang said RockBox had an available room. And then, it was just chaos. 
• Skipping the chaos, we drove Tetet to RockBox.
• AND THE PARTY STARTS THERE! Karaoke night was just fun.  
• We went to Flow afterwards. I got to dance with Tetet and, of course, with Buddy. :3

• Here are some snapshots taken that night:

Blindfolded.

Outside Fuel.ph

Tetet blowing her candles

With her uhmmm... Friend? HAHA!

The Birthday Girl♥

Crappy un-paid rockband was crappy.

L-R: Divine, Timay, Buddy, Me

L-R: Keith, Sean, Allami, Buddy

Timay-O ♥

SEANNY. Plus Divine and Bebang in the background.

Buddy

Yeeyee and Buddy. HAHA! 

LATE COMERS. Seanny got a semi-lap dance from Mayee. :D

THE BOYS. At Club 21 before going to Flow.

"The Chaos that is GRUPO." plus O! :)

AFTER FLOW. Sean had no idea this happened.

And who gets to be in the trunk? DIVINE! 

• After partying at Flow, we went to Ted's because Coco was hungry. Then, went home to get some Zs at Coco's. Divine's back in the trunk. HAHA!

• P.S. I know something everybody else didn't know ;))