Cutest, most adorable joker ever, bestfriend, ...

Extra Time

Ooooh. I did get to spend more time on the inernets today! Thanks to my oh-so-lazy little brother and his load of school stuff that I am forced to finish. Pa-segue2 lg ang things I'm not allowed to do just because I want to. Mehehe

PS I already had my dose of my anti-chuchu meds earlier tonight and now I feel so groggy. I think I'll be falling fast asleep soon.

That's all for now.

Anna. xx

I don’t want to ever wander in that darkness because I’m afraid it would totally consume me

and I wouldn’t find a way out.

I said that's fine but you're the only one who knows that I lied.

'SHE' Could Be Your Song For Me

 Oh, she knows me so well 
 Oh, she knows me like I know myself 

I made all my plans

And she has made hers
She kept me in mind
But I wasn’t sure
I searched every room
For a way to escape

But every time
I tried to leave

She keeps holding on to me

For dear life

And blocking my way

Tears101

It's still morning and I can't help crying over some things that I can't stop thinking about. I am too bothered with just about everything. Life itself is leaving me here way past my should-be-present-life. I have this feeling that people keep on leaving me, no matter how much I kept holding on to ropes that were cut and loosely tied back together again. Most of the time, I want to let go of that rope because I feel like I am just not worth it, that I am such a heavy baggage ang this baggage should be left here alone. I feel like I am that something that's been holding back people from their true happiness because I think that I am not that; I was never that. I just don't want ot be that someone who holds people back from what they truly deserve, and I know, they don't deserve someone as messed and fucked up as me because they deserve the best. 

@xThereseAngela

She rarely says those three words to anyone, perhaps almost everyone, though she feels it.

She's scared to feel human and take risks with love.

She's the cutest, the meanest baby girl of Ang Grupo.

She's small but hardcore.

She's these little things and way many awesome things more.

She's THERESE ANGELA BENITE, SN; soon to be RN; probably future MD :>

AND...

 I am very honored to be one of her real life diaries. <3

You just don't deserve someone as messed up as me because you deserve the best.

SPONTANEITY BEES

My deepest, darkest thoughts that no one has never ever heard of.

I can not speak these for fear that I won’t get these all out of my messed up head. This is where I pour my heart out when I can’t find someone who would just listen, JUST LISTEN, for what I have to say and not accuse, judge nor tell me what to do. Things like these are not for me to ask help from anyone but God for He alone knows the real reason behind all these. But these are things that I just need to get out of my head in some way. And besides doodling, this is my way of escaping all these darkness that’s clouding up my mind. Words rarely come out right most of the time cause understanding what really is in there is not an easy task. I am a lost puppy, gone away from my home, my safe haven. 

Perfect words never really were never my cup of tea, but sometimes the words that I think were not the right ones are actually what speaks my heart.

The Sonnet that Speaks My Heart

In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,

For they in thee a thousand errors note; 

But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,

Who in despite of view is pleased to dote; 

Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,

Nor tender feeling, to base touches prone, 

Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited 

To any sensual feast with thee alone: 

But my five wits nor my five senses can 

Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,

Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man, 

Thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be: 

Only my plague thus far I count my gain, 

That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

-Sonnet 141, William Shakespeare

Darkness

I didn't sleep well last night. I almost didn't sleep at all. I spent the whole night turning  from side to side, forcing myself to fall asleep. The whole night there was something telling me I want to kill myself. But my conscience was just far too strong to give in to that thought. I spent darkness battling with suicidal thoughts.

All I want right now is to sleep forever so I won't drown myself with any thoughts that keep popping in my head. I just want my brain to stop working and let me feel peace.

Little Things

                     "... I'm in love with you

                       And all these little things"

Someone will sing this song for me and mean it (and I will cry like I've never cried before).

Someday. Somehow.

Phones and Convos

Browsed through my old posts on Tumblr and saw an old convo over the phone between us.

Right now, I want to cry because I know days like are long gone. But I just can't seem to do so and I don't know why. I am not even so sure of what I feel besides sadness.

To do everything you can to understand someone in every single way possible is just too tiresome & kinda painful when you can't even understand your self and it kinda kills you little by little deep inside.

Skinny Love

The song that speaks my heart and soul.

I tell my love to wreck it all

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different "kind"

I'll be holding all the tickets

And you'll be owning all the fines

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

"Our relationship couldn’t continue to balance, as it did, on the point of a knife. We would fall off one edge or the other, depending entirely on his decision, or his instincts. My decision was made, made before I’d ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility."

*Quoted from Bella Swan, Stephenie Meyer's Twilight.

I can't really point out how I can relate to this but I am sure that this is true for me and it is what has been happening. I can't say more because I don't know/understand a single thing about everything right now, including my own self and feelings.

Yes. I am a wreck.

Narcotizing Bubble

There are times where I get to forget what existed outside my own bubble. Times that my brain just stops working and I didn't have to (over)think things which I can't help doing most of the time. Times when I don't feel anything at all. It's like sleeping with my eyes open but seeing nothing and without having to dream about anything at all.

How I wish those times become hours, days, months; not just for a few minutes every now and then. Everything in my life right now is just a conflicting mess that my feelings are slowly turning into emptiness.

Maybe, just maybe, to feel nothing, not anything, is all that I both need and want. Maybe staying within that bubble of nothingness is what will keep me safe, both from the eyes of society and my own scary oftenly-thinking-of-sleeping-forever-aka-kinda-but-not-that-suicidal self.

Will he stay with someone who's irrevocably broken in every way possible? Or will he give up because the situation is nearly hopeless?

I ask myself these every single day and I can't do anything except hope and pray he'll stay. </3

Hopeful yet DEMORALIZED

JANUARY

There's been so many things to blog about but no words are coming out.